Have you noticed how often children cry? They do it all the time, and they can be bawling their eyes out one minute, and laughing merrily the next. For children, crying is a natural reaction to any emotionally charged situation, but as adults we learn to hold in the tears, and I think we can damage ourselves as a result.

Crying is good for you; it’s a great way to let out all sorts of emotions and it can really calm you down. But it’s not always that easy. We can’t just burst into tears in the middle of the supermarket (although I have actually done that; it’s not something I ever wish to repeat!) We find it hard crying in front of others, and even if we’re with someone who cares about us it can still feel wrong and embarrassing, and we tend to find ourselves apologising for our tears.

It’s even more complicated if our emotions were also suppressed as children. If we were ridiculed for crying as youngsters, or told that crying was an unacceptable behaviour, then as adults we can still carry those feelings of shame with us. But we can, and should, retrain ourselves. We should teach ourselves how to cry and give ourselves permission to use crying as a way of releasing our emotions.

You know when you need to cry. You can feel it building up inside, and the longer you hold it back the more fragile you become. Until eventually even the smallest thing can set you off. You may not even know why you need to cry, and that can make you feel silly. But if we remember that we’re emotional creatures, and we all have to deal with a number of emotionally challenging events on a daily basis, it’s hardly surprising that they demand to be set free occasionally.

Everyone should give themselves crying time. Ideally, we should all be able to cry whenever we please, but in reality that’s not practical. So if you know you’re starting to feel fragile, then set aside some time for a good cry. You could choose to cry with someone who cares about you, but I think it can be more beneficial to cry alone at times. That way you don’t need to worry about any noise you make, or the fact your nose is running! More importantly you won’t feel the need to apologise, as apologising will invalidate your feelings at a time when you should be embracing them.

So make yourself comfortable, get the tissues ready and then allow yourself to really feel and let it all out. If you’re unsure why you want to cry, or you’re still learning how to cry, then listening to emotional music, watching a sad film, or even thinking about something sad can all help.

Afterwards, take care of yourself. You’ll likely feel a lot calmer, but also tired and drained, so do something relaxing for a while such as having a hot bath. Or if you need to perk up so you can get on with your day, have a shower or get some fresh air.

Finally, perhaps you could try a good crying session next time you feel the urge to self-injure. It might just help enough to enable you to hurt yourself less; and in time may even be able to replace some of your self-injury.

Photo credit axlotl

One of our dear members, Nicky, who was brave enough to join us in Birmingham for our meet-up last weekend, shares with us what the experience was like for her.

I bought my train ticket in advance so there was no backing out on the day and set out, last Saturday morning, with great trepidation.

The train seats were allocated and I had one with out a window so had no sense of where I was going, just that I was traveling somewhere.  Birmingham station was large and confusing. I asked directions but eventually realized I was going the wrong way, and as time was ticking by, started to worry that I wouldn’t make it to the meet-up at all!

Eventually arriving at The Dragon I had a quick look at the people sitting outside and headed for the bar. I had made it this far, and now just had to take the last step, it would be silly to back out now. The inside was quite dark so I wandered back outside and approached a  group of people, one of which I thought I recognized from the website as Wedge. Relieved, I was right.

I’m not a great conversationalist, and I don’t know anyone with similar tendencies to me, so I was quite apprehensive about what sort of people I was going to meet and what I would say to them. No need to have worried as we sat and chatted about general things.  The conversation was light and I realized that here was a group of friendly, sensible people and it was a group that I was happy to be part of.

Several of us had trains to catch so we walked up to the station together and said our goodbyes. As I sat on the train on my way home (another windowless seat) I was really glad that I had made the effort to go.

It was great to meet real, genuine, ordinary people, not just talk to a computer screen, and now I feel so much less alone in this!

I shall try and post more often on the message board, and I look forward to the meet-up next year:-)”

It’s great to read about a meet-up from a member’s point of view. Thank you to Nicky for taking the time to share her thoughts with us.

Who

Anyone who is a member or supporter of LifeSIGNS / FirstSigns is welcome to attend. This includes anyone who is a member of our message board, Facebook group, Facebook page, Bebo or MySpace, and of course all our Twitter followers and readers of this blog.  Anyone who supports the work we do by taking an interest in self-injury awareness is also welcome to attend.

Fun

Our meet-ups are not ‘serious’ events, they are fun! We’re not really there to talk about self-injury – self-injury is only a small part of who we are as people, and our meet-ups are about the rest of us. So it’s great finding other things we have in common and chatting about the fun stuff in our lives – the healthy, happy stuff that makes us who we really are. Basically it’s a chance to relax with like-minded people, over a drink, for lighthearted chat.

Meet new people / make new friends

Our meet-ups are a great way to meet with the people you’ve got to know online, including Wedge and myself, and two of our moderators Staralfur and Lindsay, in a relaxed and friendly atmosphere. But even if you don’t really know anyone yet, then they’re a perfect opportunity to meet new people and possibly even make new friends – and unlike internet friendships you get to meet the real people straight away, and in a safe environment.

Brave

Of course, attending a meet-up isn’t easy. I’ve been to several and I guarantee I’ll still be nervous on 24 July, so I know how daunting it can feel – especially if it’s your first time. It takes courage to travel, courage to get yourself to a venue and meet a group of people, none of whom you may have met before. But your bravery will be worth it once you settle down with a drink and relax into the experience.

Bring someone with you

You don’t need to come alone – everyone is welcome to bring a friend, partner or family member with them if they wish.

When / where

Date: Saturday 24th July 2010

Location: Birmingham

Venue: The Dragon Inn, Hurst Street, Birmingham B5 5TD

Time: 1pm – 3pm

Please see our ‘Invitation‘ for full details.

Wedge and I will be there for the full two hours, so if you can be in Birmingham on 24 July then please do pop along to join us for a while, even if you can’t mamnage the whole session.

Questions or concerns

If you’re coming along, or if you have any questions or concerns that need addressing before you decide, then please do email me Jules@FirstSigns.org.uk and I’ll do my best to reassure you. Or if you follow our Twitter, then you’re welcome to send us an @ or DM.

RSVP

It’s always useful to have some idea of who will be attending, and there’s extra contact information we give attendees in case they need to contact us on the day, so if you think you’re likely to join us please email Jules@FirstSigns.org.uk

We look forward to meeting you.

Wedge and Jules

Safe

One of the biggest concerns about any kind of ‘supportive’ message board is that of safety. We’ve all heard about the terrible ‘pro’ sites that actively encourage self-injury, but even many so-called ‘recovery’ sites still have little in place to protect vulnerable people from triggering discussions or images, or from sharing ‘ideas’ on how to self-injure, however inadvertently.

“Through speaking with other members who shared similar struggles to myself I found I was able to really talk about why it was that I self-harmed, the feelings that were associated with this and also other ways in which I could cope in a more healthier way.”

Lozzy

The LifeSIGNS / FirstSigns message board is different; our rules are strict and our moderators and admin are around on a daily basis to ensure everything remains safe, friendly, welcoming, supportive and positive. Some new members are understandably shocked when they first learn of our rules; but they quickly accept and even welcome them as they realise our environment is the best possible kind of online peer support for a person who is struggling with self-injury. It’s especially heart-warming when we learn of new members who have been referred to us by their GPs, counsellors or therapists!

“The close moderation of the forums mean that unnecessary glorification of self-injury and competition between members is not tolerated.”

FreedomFRIES

We are non-judgemental and we never tell people what to do. We’ll never tell you that you must ‘stop’ hurting yourself. But we will offer you encouragement to move away from self-injury, empower you to make positive new choices and to seek health and happiness, and support you for as little or as long as you need.

New members

All new members have their accounts individually activated. This ensures we can keep the message board free from spammers and adds a little extra security. New members are requested to read our rules and then post in the ‘Welcome’ forum to say hi. We don’t use real names or identifying personal information, and everyone says as much or as little about their circumstances as they feel comfortable with. Some people simply do just say ‘hi’ and that’s absolutely fine.

“Joining LifeSIGNS was my first step to recovery.”

FreedomFRIES

Everyone’s really friendly, new members are eagerly welcomed, and there are always mods and admin on hand to help with any questions along the way; our new members soon find they feel at home and don’t stay ‘new’ for long!

Some of our members only stay while they’re struggling and then move away within weeks or months; some return year after year either for support or to let us know how they’re doing, and some never leave! Some decide they want to give something back and become moderators, and we can’t thank those people enough; we couldn’t run the message board without them.

Don’t just take our word for it

Here’s what some of our volunteer Moderators have to say:

“Joining FirstSigns was scary to me in the beginning, it was like I was finally realising I did need support and did need to learn more about what I was doing and why. At that point in my life I felt so alone but FirstSigns made me feel so welcome and I felt I could be myself here and talk about what I wanted and what drove me to do the things I did.

“FirstSigns, together with my therapists helped me to gradually reduce my need to hurt myself and turn to other methods of letting out my feelings and now I have been free from self harm for almost 6 years. Because FirstSigns helped me so much I am decided that now I am stronger to be involved with helping to keep the message board a safe supportive environment.”

Lindsay

“After first joining FirstSigns I no longer felt as alone or like I was an ‘outcast’.  FirstSigns enabled me to try out new coping strategies in a safe environment where I knew I was not alone and that if I did have a slip up -it was not the end of the world!! I still greatly struggle with sh urges but I am no longer fighting it alone and because of this I am a lot stronger than what I ever was before to stop once and for all.”

Lozzy

“Before I found this site I thought, as many do, that I was the only one with this secret shame, that I would be locked up and the key thrown away if anyone found out, God forbid telling a doctor about it!!

“People here understood my feelings because they had been through the same as I had. Talking on the boards gave me the courage to speak to my GP. Reassurance that I wasn’t mad I was just unable to cope in a healthy way. With the knowledge from other member’s who had been in my position that I could indeed get through this and my life could change, and it has… for the better. The safety of our member’s is of utmost importance to us and because of this LifeSIGNS is a safe haven for people who self-injure.”

FreedomFRIES

Want to know more or join our Message Board?

If you’re struggling with self-injury and would like some positive, non-judgemental support from caring people who empathise, you can read more about our message board and join us.

If you have any questions or comments then please do leave a comment here on our blog, or email Jules@firstsigns.org.uk

We look forward to welcoming you.

This is a project LifeSIGNS is very keen to support. It’s an excellent opportunity for you to be published and have your voice heard, and so we hope as many of you as possible will take the time to participate.

Self-injury / harm is a topic that currently attracts a substantial amount of attention within the health, social and education arenas. A large amount of literature exists in a variety of formats including reports, research papers, booklets, online sites, and guidelines. A substantial proportion of this material has been written by ‘experts’ (i.e. the non self-harming / injuring individual). This proposal is intended to address this by offering individuals the opportunity of contributing to a book that will enable the reader to formulate their own opinion(s) around this subject area based on a range of people’s individual experiences.

The following are offered as possible ideas that might assist in constructing your story in a confidential manner. This list is only a guide and they are not intended to be answered as a ‘list’ but merely to help you construct the paragraphs of your personal story. Please only write about areas you feel comfortable with, and feel free to include any additional information you wish.

Details of participant:

▪         No names to ensure confidentiality

▪         Initial (e.g. A) + gender + age (or area; e.g. 20’s)

▪         Role (voluntary) – son/daughter; parent; student; etc.

▪         Area – county; region; country (e.g. Hertfordshire; South; England)

Details of history:

▪         Age of first incident

▪         ‘Trigger’ (if known)

▪         Activity (self-harming/injuring)

▪         Outcome  (relief; anxiety reduction; etc.)

Has anyone else been informed (by you), including:

▪         Friends

▪         Family

▪         Colleagues

▪         Professionals (e.g. Doctors, nurses, teachers)

If so, what was the reaction:

▪         Supportive

▪         Angry

▪         Embarrassed

▪         Judgemental/non-judgemental

▪         Other

Have you thought about some/most/all of the following:

▪         Why you might need to self-harm/injure

▪         Trying to stop, look for an alternative

▪         Seeking advice/help/answers [from direct contact; online]

You might also like to include any help you have received, what you have found most helpful, and the things that have been less helpful.

Please ensure that you focus on thoughts, feelings and reasons behind your emotional distress and self-injury and not on the method or severity of self-injury. As always, please avoid graphic or triggering language.

In order to give readers a more realistic perspective of self-injury than is often portrayed in the media, we really hope a wide range of people, of all ages and backgrounds etc will agree to participate.

Please send your stories to Jules@FirstSigns.org.uk and please do email me if you have questions.

Many thanks and we look forward to hearing you!

It’s that time of year again when we arrange our real-life summer meet-up. Everyone’s invited, and the details of this year’s event are:

Date: Saturday 24th July

Location: Birmingham

Venue: The Dragon Inn, Hurst Street, Birmingham B5 5TD

Time: 1pm – 3pm

The Dragon Inn is located within the Chinese Quarter / Arcadian area of Birmingham and is within easy reach of Birmingham New Street station.

We realise that not everyone can make it to Birmingham, but time and resources mean we can only hold one event this year, and we chose Birmingham as it’s such a central location in the hope that as many of you as possible will be able to join us.

Meet-ups are a great opportunity to meet and chat with fellow members, message board moderators and of course ourselves in a relaxed and friendly environment. It takes a great deal of courage to meet people in real life, and we’re always very proud of the people who travel to join us.

We’ve been holding meet-ups for years and met some wonderful people, and we hope that this year we’ll meet you too.

To keep up-to-date with our meet-up plans, read or subscribe to our blog and our Twitter account (you don’t have have a Twitter account to read ours!).

If you’d like to join us please email Jules@firstsigns.org.uk so we have some ideas of numbers. If you’re on Facebook you might also like to confirm you attendance on our meet-up event page

As we’ve said, it takes courage to meet in real life, so if you are worried at all, have any questions or need assistance with anything, then please email Jules and she’ll be happy to help you.

Have a great summer, and we hope we can look forward to meeting you on 24th July.

Wedge and Jules

RSPV

What follows is a very brief outline of several of the main findings, which I hope you find interesting.

To start with I noted that there is a large amount of research available that attempts to force our understanding of self-injury into a medical or clinical perspective. This research is useful to an extent, however it fails to grasp self-injury, as it really exists in the lives of many individuals. This is highlighted by the majority of those who took part in my study who describe their use of self-injury as not being directly associated with an illness, a disabling psychiatric or psychological condition. To the contrary, the use of self-injury provided a means to cope with (or as several said “…manage…”) highly distressing aspects of their lives and to maintain a level of normality!

The women and men explained how a wide range of factors prompted their use of self-injury, including:

• Social factors e.g. difficulties in interacting with others
• Emotional factors e.g. overwhelming emotional distress
• Cognitive factors e.g. negative thoughts and memories
• Physiological factors e.g. the need to feel physical pain, damage or to bleed
• Communication factors e.g. being verbally discounted or ignored (nobody to listen)
• Occupational factors e.g. having difficulty in education or in work demands/pressures
• Behavioural factors e.g. using different forms of self-injury

*(Please note I have only used a few of the many examples described by those who took part)

These factors were found to vary according to the individual’s own unique set of experiences, circumstances and needs.

*** TRIGGER WARNING***

‘Be safe’ before reading further.

The actual use of either covert (secret) or overt (not hidden) self-injury became practiced over time. This was mainly based on the individuals’ developing their knowledge and understanding of how to safely cause minimal bodily damage with maximum effect (with no A+E visits). Several people described how they learnt to use a combination of covert and overt self-injury e.g. using self-injury to privately relieve unbearable / high levels of emotional distress and alternatively using self-injury as a form of non-verbal communication (signaling to others that they could no longer cope on their own).

Those who took part described a wide range of consequences from using self-injury, including:

• Relief from overwhelming emotional and cognitive distress
• Maintaining a persona (image that all is okay) in a social context
• Relief from not being able to think or feel
• Regulating (or stabilising) severe swings in mood
• An alternative to communicating/expressing and sharing distressing thoughts and feelings with others.
• Creating a sense of empowerment and control
• Obtaining a nice/warm feeling (emotionally)
• Using self-injury to create a self-care situation

… there were many other descriptions made – too many to mention in this summary.

It was identified that the prolonged use (over a number of years) of self-injury led to the development of multiple functions in the use of self-injury. It become a planned and carefully implemented activity, which in addition to coping with high levels of distress and/or dissociation, enabled the person to live, to survive, to continue, to feel strong, to be in control, to maintain their persona… etc…and for many prevented them from taking more serious / destructive actions and / or from becoming ill.

However, importantly those who did stop using self-injury described how (through their own efforts and the support of others) they experienced improved social condition, meaningful relationships, the use of alternative activities, and improved communication or expression of thoughts and feelings. Several people explained how utilising opportunities to talk was the most influential factor in reducing their use of self-injury. They were able to express outwardly their internal distress. Also, it was noted that writing poetry and / or a diary of thoughts and feelings helped with this process of expression.

For the majority of adults who took part in this project self-injury remains an option available to them – as one person said to me:

“…my self-injury is about me coping with the very difficult issues I face in my life and I don’t want to trouble others with all this stuff… it’s (self-injury) about living… it’s there if I need it…but I have learnt that it is a far better option to talk… and if I keep talking I won’t need to turn to it!”

This is a short summary of my research and I hope to write a more detailed account in the near future.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Bye for now. Andy Barton-Breck

Celebrations:

We’ve been celebrating our 8^th Birthday, and the beginning of our 9^th year, in a couple of ways:

We couldn’t have a birthday without a Birthday Cake and Balloons ! As you know, we’re an unfunded org, and so in order to help with our costs for the next year we’ve been asking our dear members and other organisations if they can spare 99p to inflate a balloon with their name on. We’ve also asked for help lighting our candles, and have been overwhelmed by the generosity and support of the kind people who have bought us balloons and candles. Many many thanks to you all; we’re touched by your generosity and support.

We’re also holding a virtual ‘Party’ on Facebook today and everyone’s invited. It’s an online event and you don’t have to go anywhere or do anything; so if you’d like to show your support and join in the celebrations, just confirm your attendance on our Facebook Party page or leave us a birthday message on the wall. Again, we’ve been overwhelmed by the number of best wishes we’ve received from our members and supporters.

Everything we do at LifeSIGNS, we do for you. We work for you, and so we want to be where you are. We’ve made ourselves available across the internet, so you can find us in the places you feel most comfortable. Whether it’s MySpace, Bebo, Facebook, our Blog, our Message Board, or simply our website, you’re all our members and we welcome you everywhere.

Twitter

Twitter is becoming more and more popular of late, and it’s funny to hear people talking about it on the tele as though it’s something new: LifeSIGNS has been on Twitter for 3 years! Our Twitter stream is the first place to find all our latest news and views, and it’s a great way to interact both with us and with other members and organisations.

If you’re already on Twitter, we’d love to follow you – we’re @FirstSigns. If not, then why not give it a go? It’s simple to set up and Twitter is usually the first place to hear news – not just our news, but worldwide news! See our Twitter blog article for more details.

Thank you for all your support and we look forward to our 9th year.

Wedge and Jules

Why do people cut themselves?

People resort to hurting themselves (in a variety of ways, not just cutting) in order to deal with, or cope with emotional distress. Self-injury is a coping mechanism; when people feel they have no alternatives left, they can find themselves relying on self-injury to help them cope, to ground themselves and to calm themselves.

What SI is | Thoughts before | Who self-injures

Do women tend to cut themselves more then men?

For many years the media have stereotyped self-injury as a female concern, but FirstSigns // LifeSIGNS has always considered the male side of self-injury, and recent London research has shown that there is no gender difference.

We might recognise that men and women talk about things in different ways, and that perhaps men do not seek help and support as much as women, and so male self-injury is under-reported.

Who self-injures | Male SI | Not just a girl thing

Is there an age group where this is more common? Is it more common when you’re 20?

We know people of all ages that self-injure, it’s not just a concern of the young. We might see that statistically, people are vulnerable from teen or pre-teen ages, and that frequency of self-injury may reduce after the age of 30, but we’re only saying that as an example of the statistic; at FirstSigns // LifeSIGNS, we know that self-injury is a very individual matter, and affects people of all ages.

Is there a type of personality that is more prone to cutting themselves? Are there behavioural hints?

Because self-injury is a way of coping, we can talk about a person’s need for control and stability – when a person feels out of control of their emotions and unstable, they can feel the urge to hurt themselves.

People under pressure to perform well, people who strive for perfection, or feel that they never perform well enough can find themselves turning to self-injury.

Many people who self-injure have low self-esteem, even if they appear happy and confident on the outside. People who are chronically criticised and run-down can feel desperately unworthy.

What SI is | Thoughts before | Who self-injures

What is the onset of cutting yourself? Why do people start cutting?

Everyone I’ve spoken to has a unique story; the majority of people believed that they were the only ones in the world who were hurting themselves like this. They might have spent many years trapped, lonely and afraid, unable to tell anyone about their self-injury for fear of their reaction.

I started hurting myself at a young age because I was desperately unhappy with my home life; I felt I had no worth, no freedom, no understanding, and no voice. I used self-injury as a way to express the confusing emotions I was experiencing, and I way to get past them.

Can it be triggered by depression or a disorder?

People who self-injure may experience depression, anxiety disorders, PTSD or personality disorders, however, self-injury alone is not indicative of such medical / psychological issues – people can be unhappy and stressed without a medical disorder of course.

Is it triggered by stress?

It certainly can be! In times of stress, a person can run out of coping methods, and find themselves acutely upset, and so they feel triggered to hurt themselves to gain release.

What do people cut themselves with?

FirstSigns // LifeSIGNS does not focus on the methodology of self-injury; the important thing is to remember there is a distressed human being behind the self-injurious behaviour. People will hurt themselves with whatever they prefer, or whatever is available.

How often do people hurt themselves?

Everyone is different, and hurts themselves in different ways; some people self-injure once a week, once a month, or several times throughout the day.

How can you help someone who you know is cutting themselves?

If they are a friend, then be a good friend to them! You don’t have to focus on the self-injury (which is an incredibly difficult thing to talk about) you can talk about ‘how they’re doing’ and how they are feeling. Let them know that you care and respect them; don’t lay down rules or demand that they ‘cheer up’ or ‘stop’.

Fact sheet for parents / Fact sheet for friends

What is usually the treatment for something like this?

There is no ideal treatment; each person should address the things in life that make them so unhappy, and drive them to self-injure.

Help and support should be made available; some people find CBT / DBT counselling useful, while others benefit from psychiatric care and medication.

Everyone on the planet has mental health, some years, some days, it’s better than at other times. We all need to seek health and happiness on a daily basis, and care for ourselves and others.

Lots of things have changed since then; we grew larger, then we grew smaller! Our online reach has been considerably extended by the rise of social networks, and our work in real life continues with our fact sheets, magazine articles and interviews. SIAD (Self-Injury Awareness Day) is an important focal point of the year, but with your help we raise awareness every day of course.

We know there’s more to do, but unlike many organisations, we have no staff and no budget – no funding whatsoever. Everything we do, we do voluntarily for the good of our vibrant community members and our visitors from around the globe. Further, our volunteers have personal experience of self-injury, so we’re not here to give lectures or explain how it ‘should be easy to stop’. We know about self-injury from the inside, and we can understand what our members go through.

We know there’s more to do, will you help us do more?

99 red purple balloons

We’re looking for 99 fantastic friends to donate 99p during May. We know there are a lot of charities asking for a lot of help – there are so many worthy causes of course. But if we’ve helped you, if you’ve read our website or joined our Message Board – won’t you be one of the 99 to help support us?

For every 99p donation, we’ll show a purple balloon below with your nickname on it :)

(Click the ‘Donate’ button above to donate exactly 99 pence.)

It’s our 8^th birthday – for less than the price of a hot drink you can help fund our projects, which need the cost of printing or the cost of web hosting covered.

Make a wish

We’re also looking for 8 awesomely generous people and organisations to donate £8 to help us with our modest running costs. Will you be a true friend to FirstSigns and helps us afford to survive for another year, help us reach our 9^th birthday?

(Click the ‘Donate’ button above to donate exactly 8 pounds.)

For each £8 we’ll light a candle in your honour on the cake below, display your name / nickname on it and send you a fridge magnet version in early June!

OMGoodness! You’ve given us a second cake! We had no idea this might happen – thank you to the *ten* of you who have bought candles for us!

Thank you for your generosity and support x x x

Wedge and Jules